Starting Up

So I decided to take up blogging again.
It's been a long time.
But I figured it might help me on my way. And maybe some other people.
Wanting this blog mostly to be about faith, life, and what's on my heart.
But we'll just have to see.

I just spent the last half-hour reading through and deleting all my old blog posts. All the ones from previous years and such.
I'm still amazed.
You don't realize how much things change from the past.
It's like my mind has transformed.
Things are different. Priorities are different. Friends are different. I was completely unaware how different I am from a year ago.
Before I deleted everything, though, I saved a few things from previous blog posts that caught my eye and I thought needed to be saved and shared.

This little post was posted in March of 2007:
"I'm preaching to those that DO NOT CARE.
I'm teaching to an empty room.
Am I just invisioning, or is this meant to be?
But why must You chose ME?!"

Unsure of why I was thinking that.
Obviously at the time God was overwhelming me with His plans.
I just can't remember.

This post was posted in May of 2007:
"The reason I wanna die: I hate this stupid world and how it is nothing but evil, evil, evil.
The reason I'm still alive: Because I'm gonna change it no matter what."

Wow. Really.
I guess I haven't changed THAT much...

This post was also posted in May of 2007:
"I'll never really know what is going on.
Someone hypnotize me,
let me forget my past,
so I can stop having nightmares
and stop remembering New Years Night,
the results of the Wizard of Oz,
and my broken relationships with adult friends and parents.
Someone let me heal, PLEASE.
I gotta just move on.
But I don't know how.
I'm on autopilot.
Living in the past.
And not letting myself create new memories to live by.
What's it gonna take? "

Reading this made me so sad.

I'm not sure when these two posts were posted:

"However, let me introduce you to what we really achieve out of these expectations. Pick any neighborhood in the United States. Find the house that looks the most like the American Dream, with the mother who bakes the apple pie and the children that play in the backyard. Mom is actually on a daily dose of Zoloft just to help her cope with the known fact of her current husband's affair. Her 6 year old son is already following Mom's steps and is on Ritalin. The 10 year old daughter cries herself to sleep every night because she is picked on at school by bullies. We go to find out that these bullies live with their grandparents because of abusive parents. The cop who arrested the abusive parents just got a divorce from his fourth marriage. The cop's daughter, the beautiful high school cheerleader, vomits after every meal because she thinks she's fat."

That was also overwhelmingly sad.

"If only we could be like my cat. This morning I had a bowl of cereal (and it was delicious, might I add) and my cat immediately smelled the milk I had in the bowl. My cat loves milk very very much, but it makes her very very sick. She followed me around everywhere I went with my bowl of cereal, wanting my milk soo badly. I put a drop of milk on my finger, barely enough for her to even taste, and let her lick the milk off of my finger. After one taste, she pranced away excitedly because she got to taste her favorite thing in the world.
But if the cat were the entire world, she would just bother me more and more about the milk until she drank so much of it that she got sick.
How sad our world is."

True.



Okay, moving on from the past.
Let's talk about the now.
Within the course of the week, I have felt like a complete waste of flesh and air.
Really.
I've felt neglected, left out, unwanted, unneeded, and like I've made NO difference on ANYBODY.
Eh, that's fair week for me, I guess.
I cried earlier. When I was laying in bed.
Mainly because I realized something.
God is the only one who REALLY loves me.

No, not like that.
I mean, REALLY loves me. With all His heart.
I might have a friend that loves me. But this friend would never sacrifice her son for me so that I could never die.
I might have a future husband that would do anything for me. But he would never forgive every one of my mistakes and pretend like I'm perfect in his eyes.
See what I mean?
I mean, lately I HAVE felt a little unloved. (Just because I really feel like no one really gives a crap.) But that's beside the point. What I mean to say is:
God doesn't favor one person over anyone else.
He doesn't have favorites.
He doesn't stereotype.
He doesn't ignore or neglect.
He doesn't care how much weight we've gained.
He doesn't care what we look like.
He just doesn't care.
He gave us the best friend we could ever need. Which is Jesus.

Anyways.
I wanted to start up again because I really wanted people to start reaching out to me, because I'm here to listen. I pray to God to send the broken, lost, and lonely to me so that I could tell them about Jesus. Maybe this is one way I'm supposed to do it.
Basically, if you need my help, about ANYTHING,

Talk to me.

Alright. I'm out for tonight. I really wanna pull an all-nighter, but I know if I try that I'll still end up falling asleep.
So I guess I'm just gonna go lay down.

School starts soon.
Say your prayers.

And um...
yeah.

God bless.





There, I said it.